Muses

Life has been a turbulent rollercoaster ride for me. So many happenings. So many heart-stopping moments. So many decisions to make. Quite a fair bit of uncertainty too. Take my eyes off self and lift it up, to behold Jesus and His wonder, His grace and His person. Take it all.

Army life is fairly good, to be honest. However, to be honest with myself, the free time I have surrounds mainly around Mabel. If I were honest with myself, I know my other friends miss me too. I know God, the loving Father yearns for my heart, my communion. In retrospect of the events that've happened leading up till yesterday, it is a masterstroke.

Every time I talk to her, every time I see her, somehow, feelings are being developed. I try to rationalize my thoughts and feelings out by saying "She's got a boyfriend". But then, I would question myself, "So if the boyfriend is out of the picture you would have a go?". To be honest, I really don't know. I always knew what kind of girl I would want to be with; someone who knows the Lord. The Lord of the Old and New Covenant...

Truth be told, I really like her. So many questions, so many conflicting issues... I am troubled. But even in all these confusion God is Sovereign, He is absolute, He is my certainty. Quoting Paul Baloche, "we often delay obedience by seeking advice. Just do it". Sometimes, or rather most of the time I do it. I keep trying to rationalize my actions, even in the light of good intentions I delay. Just do it. Do it in the confidence that we have in our Sovereign God. Do it in our trust and faith in a God who gives that which is good for us and withholds that which is not beneficial. Hallelujah!

In the light of all that's happened yesterday... what am I truly afraid of? The things people say? My own conscience? How people may perceive me as? As I talked to her yesterday, as I saw her need, I felt so compelled to respond to it. So what is more important? Being there for the person you love, or worrying about what others may see or say? Thank you Lord for giving me this heart of empathy. This heart that cares... bad it may be sometimes where I am over-sensitive. But Hallelujah! Thank you for making me who I am. I guess it is easy to run away, it is easy to be overly concerned about what others say... but what is of the supreme concern? Being there for her. Not being the guy who can't give her security. This may compromise or contradict all I've mentioned above (like trying to be normal friends), but I want to be as honest with myself. God loves me. I don't want to lie to anyone, especially to myself. and to God. Even right now as I reflect on this issue, I see clarity. I see certainty.

I do not know what the future holds, but I do know God holds my hand. God is a loving Father who holds my future, its amazing the revelation of the Gospel, of being cleansed, of being righteous comes from the Lord Jesus. Salvation, Holiness and Righteousness (Right Standing) are all my rights now, they were given at a huge cost. Let me not forget that, let me not cheapen Jesus' death on the Cross. Amazing Grace, How Sweet The Sound That Saved A Wretch Like Me. I have my own weaknesses, own failings, but God You see me as whole and perfect. I pray you speak to me, about what to do, the promptings in my heart, and help me to follow them, to obey instead of trying to rationalize it. And no matter what I do, Lord You hold me now, and forever.

Rain no more

I am learning more about Grace. God is teaching me so much more. Let me start with Sunday. Teaching sec 1s are never easy, especially if its church-related. They need something fun, something exciting. To be fair, I didn't plan it as well as I would've hoped. Nevertheless God is good. Half-way teaching them, I got stuck. STUCK! I mean I'm not very good at speaking, but haha I recall all my public-speaking experiences and not many of them went well. Yet even as my mentor helped resolve the situation, I learnt alot from this verse; Acts 3:1-7

 1 One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2 Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3 When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4 Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" 5 So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.

 6 Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." 7 Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. 

This few verses may just speak about a beggar wanting money and ending up being healed in the name of Jesus... but I learnt that sometimes we (I myself too) are like the beggar, expecting what we need in the short-term, expecting instant results, in his case, money to feed his needs. Yet what did Peter give him? The belief in Jesus Christ. Sometimes I see things in my own perspective, I see my needs and I demand them to be met. But what does God want me to know? What does God want me to have? He wants to give me Jesus Christ, because that is worth so much more than my own needs, and even as I look back at today, Monday, I see God graciously giving me so much more. So much more than what i need. 

Organizing soccer isn't easy. You need to account for attendance, account for people's enjoyment... sometimes I just want things to turn out perfect. And today I was frustrated, frustrated with how things went. Initially the weather was starting to turn bad. Heavy drizzle and thunder was around. But i prayed and told God, that I know He is good and loving. And that what I do not need, He will not give, and what is good and beneficial He will give. Many people always like to say "God will hold the weather, He will give us good weather, and even if He doesn't, it is His will and we accept it". It is true, but i always ask, if you truly believed, you'll go all the way don't you? isn't it contradicting?  

Nevertheless, 1 John 5:14-15 says “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.” 

What and whom is my confidence in? we all know that it is important to pray according to His will, but so many times we forget about the "confidence" part. It is our confidence that God is a loving and good God. God is sovereign and thus that which we do not need, that which is harmful for us we can have the assurance that He will not give! and that which is good God will freely give! Isn't it amazing? Like an awesome revelation about who God is man! Fast forward to now, I messed up man. Rain was there. People were late. People backed out. But what happened in the end? I was frustrated but did that hinder God from giving me what I need? The rain stopped, the floodlights were even ON! leaving us with so much more time to play. 

I wouldn't know if all these were beneficial (sounds very material-like) but I do know that I am growing more in grace, seeing more things that God wants me to see and experience. Praise God man! Amazing day.   

Jesus the End Point

Romans 10:4

"Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes."

So often I forget, that righteousness is found in Jesus Christ only. So often I look at my sins and deem myself condemned. But in Christ i am found righteous. It is a revelation that I will learn, and keep learning.

Hebrews 8:12

"For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and lawful deeds"

"God is showing you that He does not record your sins or failures today. Instead, He records your faith confessions and deeds done in response to what His Son has done for you. Every time you sin, every time you waver in your faith, God does not record it. But every time you believe Him and respond in faith, He records it! That should not make you want to sin more. It should free you to love God more!"

Everyday I make mistakes. I sin, I flare up, I disappoint people, I disappoint myself. But what greater joy and liberation is it to know that your sins are not recorded by God! I know myself and I know what makes me tick or get angry. But God's love compels me to look beyond my sins and transgressions and look to His love... Thank you Lord!!