Muses

Life has been a turbulent rollercoaster ride for me. So many happenings. So many heart-stopping moments. So many decisions to make. Quite a fair bit of uncertainty too. Take my eyes off self and lift it up, to behold Jesus and His wonder, His grace and His person. Take it all.

Army life is fairly good, to be honest. However, to be honest with myself, the free time I have surrounds mainly around Mabel. If I were honest with myself, I know my other friends miss me too. I know God, the loving Father yearns for my heart, my communion. In retrospect of the events that've happened leading up till yesterday, it is a masterstroke.

Every time I talk to her, every time I see her, somehow, feelings are being developed. I try to rationalize my thoughts and feelings out by saying "She's got a boyfriend". But then, I would question myself, "So if the boyfriend is out of the picture you would have a go?". To be honest, I really don't know. I always knew what kind of girl I would want to be with; someone who knows the Lord. The Lord of the Old and New Covenant...

Truth be told, I really like her. So many questions, so many conflicting issues... I am troubled. But even in all these confusion God is Sovereign, He is absolute, He is my certainty. Quoting Paul Baloche, "we often delay obedience by seeking advice. Just do it". Sometimes, or rather most of the time I do it. I keep trying to rationalize my actions, even in the light of good intentions I delay. Just do it. Do it in the confidence that we have in our Sovereign God. Do it in our trust and faith in a God who gives that which is good for us and withholds that which is not beneficial. Hallelujah!

In the light of all that's happened yesterday... what am I truly afraid of? The things people say? My own conscience? How people may perceive me as? As I talked to her yesterday, as I saw her need, I felt so compelled to respond to it. So what is more important? Being there for the person you love, or worrying about what others may see or say? Thank you Lord for giving me this heart of empathy. This heart that cares... bad it may be sometimes where I am over-sensitive. But Hallelujah! Thank you for making me who I am. I guess it is easy to run away, it is easy to be overly concerned about what others say... but what is of the supreme concern? Being there for her. Not being the guy who can't give her security. This may compromise or contradict all I've mentioned above (like trying to be normal friends), but I want to be as honest with myself. God loves me. I don't want to lie to anyone, especially to myself. and to God. Even right now as I reflect on this issue, I see clarity. I see certainty.

I do not know what the future holds, but I do know God holds my hand. God is a loving Father who holds my future, its amazing the revelation of the Gospel, of being cleansed, of being righteous comes from the Lord Jesus. Salvation, Holiness and Righteousness (Right Standing) are all my rights now, they were given at a huge cost. Let me not forget that, let me not cheapen Jesus' death on the Cross. Amazing Grace, How Sweet The Sound That Saved A Wretch Like Me. I have my own weaknesses, own failings, but God You see me as whole and perfect. I pray you speak to me, about what to do, the promptings in my heart, and help me to follow them, to obey instead of trying to rationalize it. And no matter what I do, Lord You hold me now, and forever.